Hi. I'm Anthony Howard and this is where we talk about you, your leadership and our world over a quiet coffee. If you've received this directly, then you have subscribed (thank you). If someone forwarded it to you, and you want to be part of the conversation, please click on this button. It will cost you nothing, but will mean a lot to me:
Imposter Syndrome
It's a little under a three-hour drive from my childhood home to the centre of the Melbourne Business District. From the country to the city, from fields of green to banks of traffic. And it's 37 floors from street level to the executive suite in the corporate offices of the bank, where I have a meeting with the Chairman. From my earlier career as a navigator, I can find my way to any point, anywhere in the world, on land or sea, with pinpoint accuracy. But here, in this boardroom, I may as well be on another planet. I scarcely know how to navigate my way from one side to the other—through the subtle signals, the unspoken codes, and the egos and politics. Five hundred feet above the city, I feel completely out of my depth.
I'm here to meet with ‘Arthur’, the legendary Chairman of the bank, a doyen of the business community. A mover and shaker who causes a little tremor in me as he nears. He's a tall man, Arthur, and as he enters and looks down on me—just as I had been looking down on the city spread out below—I feel so small and fraudulent: this boy from the bush, sitting in the boardroom with one of the most powerful Chairmen in Australia.
I'm nervous, and he's intimidating.
who turns up when I turn up?
Have you noticed how the attitude you bring into a meeting shapes the meeting? It provokes a question we might ask ourselves: “who turns up when I turn up?”
The boy who turned up felt like he was visiting the headmaster, and the headmaster enquired—as all headmasters do, when they already know the answer to the question—“So, why are you here?”
With that nervous tremor rising, I mentioned I had been asked to mentor one of the executives in the Bank.
“No, no,” he interrupted. “How did you come to be here?”
I interpreted this as a statement of incredulity, as in “how do you even come to be in this job?”
I defaulted to sharing a bit of history.
“In my previous role,” I explained, “I was running the Sydney office of the American Chamber of Commerce,”
“Oh, that is interesting,” he interrupted again.
“Who do you think are the top three Australian business leaders doing business with the US?”
He waited.
I melted, feeling as if I was being interrogated.
I was completely shaken, and the cup of tea rattled against the saucer as I tried to steady my nerves. In the midst of an emotional hijack, I could barely string a thought together, let alone recall three names from the dozens I knew.
Arthur sensed my discomfort, and graciously changed the subject to the topic at hand.
“Let’s talk about ‘Bill’,” he said. A solid business conversation ensued as Arthur gave me insight into the strategic and leadership challenges at the Bank, and some of the areas Bill would need to address to be considered a serious contender for the Group CEO role.
Preventing emotional hijack
Most people give some thought to preparing for a meeting: reviewing the agenda, considering their talking points and areas of contention, being clear about the outcomes they seek. But very few—actually, none in my experience—do the emotional preparation. And so we often sabotage ourselves and waste people’s time. On that day with Arthur, I too failed.
But I have learned a lot over the years about preparing for meetings, and I've helped many clients do it. One of the things I teach people is how to set your intention. Not the meeting intention—the answer to why are we meeting—but your emotional intention: the answer to the question “Who will people meet when they meet you?” Will they meet the little boy from the bush who feels like he has been called up to see the headmaster? Will they meet the young woman who thinks this is a man’s world and the game is rigged against her? Will they meet the person who is embarrassed by their weaknesses and limitations?
Here’s an exercise that helps.
set your intention to be the person you need to be today
At the start of each day, look in the mirror and tell yourself who people will meet today. Tell yourself until you believe it. Because it is true, you know. It’s just that your emotions can hijack the conversation, and push your powerful self into the background.
Through the years I have regularly been told that people see me as a wise man. But I had to tell myself that. I had to look in the mirror and say “I am a wise man.” The first few times I did it I laughed with embarrassment. It took some practice. But the day came when I believed it. And then the wise man started showing up.
But it wasn't the wise man that met with Arthur that day. It was the boy from the bush, overwhelmed by his emotions, meeting the towering Chairman. My nerves stopped me from truly listening. My anxiety kept me at a distance.
As the meeting concluded and we were walking to the door, Arthur placed his hand gently on my shoulder. Looking at me in a warm, almost fatherly, manner, he said, “You know, the question about the leaders. I'm setting up an Australia-US leaders dialogue, and would value your opinion. Please let me know who you recommend I invite to be a member.”
This hit home. I have to steel myself every time I walk into a conference room because I’m female and over 65. This could be interpreted as a double whammy against me but I choose to think the opposite. I’m getting better at it but the nerves do sometimes sneak in. This was really well said, Anthony.
Brilliant and honest Anthony! I too feel these same emotions every day. No-one can fake authenticity, yet this is an essential element of lasting success. I'm still on the journey of learning to accept myself while becoming the person worthy of what I seek. They way we define the value in who we are, shapes everything in our lives.